Penis Jokes and other Weird Penis Humor
Penis Humor no Laughing Matter
There's nothing funny about a small penis, at least not when it's YOURS!
It sure damn can be funny though when it's someone else's package that's three fries short of a happy meal. Tha's why the Penis Enlargement Resource website is proud to present a taste of somewhat tastless penis humor, penis jokes and other just plain weird penis stories.
Penis humor can come in all sizes and shapes, we offer the following examples and a few links to tickle you where it counts!
Why is the Head your Penis Bigger than your Shaft
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of
a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was
to give
the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After
2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep
a
man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Man with the Horses Cock
A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.
So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"
"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."
The Cock Shop
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
The more you Rub it the Bigger it Gets
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Pussy and the Bees
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the woman's pussy. The man took the woman to the hospital. The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out. The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman. The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing". The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard".
I gotta Lay you or Jack off!
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.
So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've
got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can
you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
Monastery, a Penis and the Bell
So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."
So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.
Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....
Tug on my Penis if you're Horny
A newly wed couple were laying in bed for the first time together. The husband said to the wife: "If you feel like having sex, tug on my penis one time, but if you don't feel like having sex, tug on my penis 280 times".
God and the Bus Driver
This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?"
"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."
Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"
"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"
Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!
Fifty Iinch Penis and the Witch
There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.
Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"
She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"
Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"
"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!
"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.
Two Penises for the Price of One
In school one day they were teaching biology (this was in Maryland, so of course it was 3rd graders being taught the reproductive system). The teacher asked if anyone knew what a vagina was. Little Mary raised her hand and said "I do. My mommy has one". Good, said the teacher. Now does anyone know what a penis is. Little Tommy said "I do. My daddy has two of them." I don't think so, said the teacher. "Sure he does," insisted Tommy. "One that he pees with and one that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with."
Beach Comber and the Genie
This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."
Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.
Preacher and the Cock
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
Gallery of Knobs...
Men deform penises for "Penis Art site"
Here it is - the gallery of nobs. We accept submissions of all shapes, colours and sizes , but only put the best flaccid images on the site.
Top
10 Big Dick Jokes
10) My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me.
9) My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
8) My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. my dick.
7) My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
6) My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.
5) My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
4) My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
3) My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
2) My dick is so big, I’m already fucking a girl tomorrow.
1) My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.
Penis Size and the Grocery Clerk
This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."
Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."
A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"
Divorced Barbie Cums with it All!
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Sex and the Martians
It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"
"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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